After some long thinking the last couple of weeks for the new year I been just reflecting on myself. Who I am as a person, a human, a spirit in this world the creator put me in with the help of my parents. I constantly have this thought come across my mind that I am not true to myself because maybe I don’t know how to? I try to live by helping others to ensure they smile and that they have a nice time, but I feel that was just to hide my sorrows I have. But how? How am I suppose to express myself when I don’t know how? How can I defeat this constant reminder that I honestly don’t mean to much to people till they need me in their life? Well that’s how I feel and see it honestly.
I look at all these peoples lives, I see they are better off then I am just in a general sense. I wish no matter what to have had a life with my parents but I can’t and couldn’t. I mean think about it at the age of 19 years of age I lost the one person that held any major ground in my life. I lost my mother the person that understood me and listened to me that could give me the advice that I respected. I mean you got to understand my story and who I am to know where I come from. I come from a broken home, my mother was a drug addict that at that time would rather have drugs then her youngest son. Till when I went through 2 french glass doors and bleed to near death at the age of three. I just remember the weird dream I had as a child but remember it all happening like it was apart of my every day life. Then that event lead to me waking up to my mother crying next to me couldn’t open my eyes but I remember her words… “I will fix myself, please god don’t take him away from me.” which at that time I was only 3 so I didn’t know what she meant by that but I do now.
After that things I guess sorta got better till my siblings and family took them and left me in the care of my mother at the time went right back to the same old stuff she did before. Smoking crack as I was allowed to run a muck with no respect towards a soul, other then knowing I was a native boy that was treated like shit from the white people in my life. As though I was a piece of dirt honestly, and there was no one there defending me so I slowly started to develop a hate towards the world. The story then goes on that I went into 17 different foster cares each in which was a white family that treated me like crap till I met the women who was black and treated me worse then anyone else. I mean I was young, a kid seeking a parent figure that just wanted to be accepted for being darker then your average white kid yet not brown enough to be anything else. Maybe called a “one of them” term referring to Mideastern person.
I mean there is so much in-between but this isn’t a enough time in the world that wants to listen to my life story. Nor is there anyone I feel that I want to tell that story to. At one time there was but I guess I fucked that up but that’s a different story for a different day I guess. I just want to get this going wanted to get a first post there for people to read and understand a little about me and why I am that asshole that never folds on being straight forward, that one person who doesn’t fear telling you how it is because I lived a life I fended for myself without anyone at my side. I protected myself, I made my own way on the red road. Some say that my ancestors were watching over me that whole time which may be true but I still lived in my shoes and no one else could do that but me.
I fucked up a lot in my life, I been fucked over a lot as well. I been so damaged that I can’t feel what love is nor can see it, but at one time there was one person who made me feel when that person showed me that interest which she has passed on. Yet after I lost that for whatever deal I tried to find that again but never could. Not because I don’t want to is because she was truly different then the others. She saw me for who I was and enjoyed that rather then living a lie, I guess she could say the same about me because I made sure she saw things for what they were not for what she thought they where. Maybe there is someone like that will do that for me again one day? maybe?
This is me random as hell but very different directions. Hope you can handle whats gonna be posted if you stay with me that is.
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