Gomaapii – Some Time

As we all live our life some of us are faced with the hardest things we have ever had to face. Mine was some time ago, 10 years to be exact and yet it makes it no easier but has eased the pain since time has passed. November something the friday morning before thanksgiving, I got that ever famous phone call that shattered the world I lived in. “Devin….. Your mom… is dead…” I been told to look up and keep moving forward and things will get better but do you ever get over something like that? I mean before this happened I lost a close friend that grew up like me in foster care been through a lot he was shot point blank in the chest I blocked that from my mind after it happened. I distanced myself from the people he talked to because we hung out with the same people, yet it made it easier for me to deal with it. Then a stupid friend but a friend non-the-less died by getting hit by a car after the ROTC Dress day he was on his way home right down the road from the school.

I mean the list goes on and on for me of people I lost and I guess I was a little punk ass kid that lost the meaning of true emotions because I blocked it all out after a week I never thought about it again and it fixed it up till that day the pillar of my life was taken away from me. As that pillar moved on from this world to the next it took down all the walls I built to not remember the friends I have lost during those years. All of those emotions came flooding in like a tidal wave, I didn’t sleep, didn’t eat, speak, listen for 3 days. People where sorry worried yet scared to even approach me because they never seen me like this. To some people I was their pillar and for them to see me sitting there broken beyond repair it scared them from what I was told. I guess in my own words I tried my best to hold my friends hopes up and keep them smiling. I guess at this time I was broken I was dead and unrepairable to anyone.

At that point in my life I lost the drive to love someone in my life, what do I mean you might ask? Every day I crave to find this thing called love. Yet how can I love when I always pose myself with the same questions… If I have a child and they ask to meet their grand parents I have to look at them and tell him/her that they are gone. How can I face that because then the questions come. What do you mean they are gone? What is dead? Then I feel I will just be flooded with all these things and emotions I haven’t faced in gomaapii *some time*. I sometimes just pose that in my mind over and over again and it makes my heart hurt every time I do…

Then I though I found love, love in one person that made me smile that made me feel for a short time. But never could commit to her because I was afraid to. I smiled like I never smiled with her since before my parents both moved on, I felt like I fucked up so bad to this day with that because maybe just maybe if I could give her that love I had buried in the deepest darkest place from sight of everyone. Yet she could see it and always when we were alone she kept telling me to stop hiding from her. Let he see the happy me and I never did and I feel foolish for it honestly, maybe I would have had a son and been happy. Yet I didn’t and I lost that opportunity, and there is no way of knowing now is there.

I feel that I reaped what I sowed and I lost a lot doing this by living far away from all people. Yet it was my choice I made and I got to get myself back out of this because to this very day I still do it. I reach out hoping someone takes the hand and pulls me out but honestly I don’t think there is anyone that will do it, and its because I am not true to myself. Could there be love? Maybe… maybe with gomaapii I will be able to find it because the belief that love finds you is a lie. Today’s people are so evolved in this stereotype of love that most are to shallow to think beyond what they are taught. So maybe I have to reach out and pull someone out of that place like myself… Yet who knows… It will come to me one day when I learn to read females sadly.

Trying this again, maybe this time get it right?

After some long thinking the last couple of weeks for the new year I been just reflecting on myself. Who I am as a person, a human, a spirit in this world the creator put me in with the help of my parents. I constantly have this thought come across my mind that I am not true to myself because maybe I don’t know how to? I try to live by helping others to ensure they smile and that they have a nice time, but I feel that was just to hide my sorrows I have. But how? How am I suppose to express myself when I don’t know how? How can I defeat this constant reminder that I honestly don’t mean to much to people till they need me in their life? Well that’s how I feel and see it honestly.

I look at all these peoples lives, I see they are better off then I am just in a general sense. I wish no matter what to have had a life with my parents but I can’t and couldn’t. I mean think about it at the age of 19 years of age I lost the one person that held any major ground in my life. I lost my mother the person that understood me and listened to me that could give me the advice that I respected. I mean you got to understand my story and who I am to know where I come from. I come from a broken home, my mother was a drug addict that at that time would rather have drugs then her youngest son. Till when I went through 2 french glass doors and bleed to near death at the age of three. I just remember the weird dream I had as a child but remember it all happening like it was apart of my every day life. Then that event lead to me waking up to my mother crying next to me couldn’t open my eyes but I remember her words… “I will fix myself, please god don’t take him away from me.” which at that time I was only 3 so I didn’t know what she meant by that but I do now.

After that things I guess sorta got better till my siblings and family took them and left me in the care of my mother at the time went right back to the same old stuff she did before. Smoking crack as I was allowed to run a muck with no respect towards a soul, other then knowing I was a native boy that was treated like shit from the white people in my life. As though I was a piece of dirt honestly, and there was no one there defending me so I slowly started to develop a hate towards the world. The story then goes on that I went into 17 different foster cares each in which was a white family that treated me like crap till I met the women who was black and treated me worse then anyone else. I mean I was young, a kid seeking a parent figure that just wanted to be accepted for being darker then your average white kid yet not brown enough to be anything else. Maybe called a “one of them” term referring to Mideastern person.

I mean there is so much in-between but this isn’t a enough time in the world that wants to listen to my life story. Nor is there anyone I feel that I want to tell that story to. At one time there was but I guess I fucked that up but that’s a different story for a different day I guess. I just want to get this going wanted to get a first post there for people to read and understand a little about me and why I am that asshole that never folds on being straight forward, that one person who doesn’t fear telling you how it is because I lived a life I fended for myself without anyone at my side. I protected myself, I made my own way on the red road. Some say that my ancestors were watching over me that whole time which may be true but I still lived in my shoes and no one else could do that but me.

I fucked up a lot in my life, I been fucked over a lot as well. I been so damaged that I can’t feel what love is nor can see it, but at one time there was one person who made me feel when that person showed me that interest which she has passed on. Yet after I lost that for whatever deal I tried to find that again but never could. Not because I don’t want to is because she was truly different then the others. She saw me for who I was and enjoyed that rather then living a lie, I guess she could say the same about me because I made sure she saw things for what they were not for what she thought they where. Maybe there is someone like that will do that for me again one day? maybe?

This is me random as hell but very different directions. Hope you can handle whats gonna be posted if you stay with me that is.